I was on a roll.

Well not even a week into this and I reasly am missing a day! Shit happens. Nothing eventful happened, so its not like you missed out. I spoke with Mason last night while he was drinkin over at Swartz's house. I am just pushing him farther away. I am so scared right now of everything. I try to call him all the time but since he never bought that phone like he was supposed to last week. I miss my Mason so much. Its like we arent even together anymore. I dont hardly ever see him. One of his long lived reasons to fire back at me is " well Heather, I lived with you until you threw me out" . Why does it always have to be one extreme to the other?? Its either we are together all day everyday, or just no fuckin at all. I dont remember the last time we kissed each other, like a good kiss. I love him so much. But I dont know anyone else who can get under mu skiin the way he does. I dont understand the way he thinks. Its so fucked up sometimes. Dont get me wrong I am a crazy bitch. I cry and yell and then sometimes I even hyperventilate.I just want him to make it better somehow. Just start doing everything he has said that he would do in to the past. I am really trying to make some huge fucking changes. Like pretty much everything and I would just like something to remain the same. Like us, what we used to be. We were best freinds. I miss that the most. He doesnt think about me the same. I am not the same person to him anymore. I just want him to love me and want me like he used to love and want me.

Anyways.... I gotta call my lawyer soon. I am supposed to do that and then I told Mason I would come over last night around noon today, whether or not he remembers I dont know.
Until later today.. Peace

My How things Can Change?

Well the day has progressed, and I figured I would come back for the last post I told myself I would make. All I have right now is just blank feelings.. I feel like right now I am just kinda stuck in the middle with everything... absolutely everything. I am stuck riht now still getting high and shit but I know right not that in the near future all of it will have to come to a stop. A change.. And what will change when that happens? I dont know it if I will like to be sober, and that is just being completely honest. I know it sounds bad fuckin a tho . This kinda thing has been with me for awhile and its been something I did in accompany with a lot of really normal stuff. So when I do all this normal shit without it maybe it wont be so normal anymore. I freak myself out thinking about weird things, and what ifs.
I am in the middle of things with my boyfriend. Its to the point where there are times now that I dont even know if I should call him that . And no I am not a stalker. We have been back and forth at this for three years or so. I have lived with him, for a good three quarters of the time. I do love him. I just miss the way he used to be , the way we used to be. I have really tried to not go on about us in this but here it is . I cant avoid it, its something that I think about many of the times when I just space out. Ya know when you just dont mean to. My mom just walked in and said that she saw Mason.. Creepy.
Enough of that silly dreamer talk.... A little less deep now . Lets move on to the here and now. For today I even feel in the middle of what I should do after this. Should I go back to grandmas. Should I stay here? I dont know anymore. Nothing really feels like home. I go here, there, and everywhere. My dogs make it feel like home tho. At least more so than without them. I dont even like to say without them. Shit I wish I could figure out a hustle for the night. Thats me thinking and typing. But this thing is about me being honest. And these days are coming to and end. For some you may think ya know 30 days or something is a long time to count down to and think about something that way in a negative light. Well hell poeple I have done this for the greater part of 5 years . Not proud of it . But it does scare the hell out of me to now know what it will be like.
Im gonna go.

A New Day!

Today is another day . The weather is nice. I figured out a hustle early in the morning. Good Day!! Grandma is having a bad day however, things are not looking so bright for her unfortunatly. I hope everything goes well for her, she need to quit procrastinating this whole cancer thing. I think tha she has known the entire time. She lies and said that it has just come back really recently but i know that is a lie. She also said that she knows all this because she went to a doctor recently too. Hmmmmm I smell something fishy... I have been living with her . I would know if she went to a doctor. She talks to me about everything she does in the day. Even the stuff that you shouldnt have to explain to anyone... .Yup that too. But to not talk about something serious like that is not very cool. How does she know that it has not spread by now. She is just banking on it being the same. She acts like she knows for sure. But nothing right now is for sure. Damnit! Well I will most likely be back again later today.... If ahyone really cares Im starting to feel like this thing is more like a diary for me. But the element of secrecy is diminshed. I got sidetracked. austa la vista :)

When It Rains, It Pours...

Another day is almost over, about half way through my day. I had district court this morning for a dring while license suspended charge, it sucks that they can habitualize me. I finally will hopefully have my act together and if I am habitualized then I will lose my license for a whopping seven years! That will make me 29... alomst thirty years old and getting my license. We got a real winner here ladies and gentlemen....

Also my grandmother has finally come out and said that she still has cancer... about a year ago the doctors wanted her to have a surgery to take out the lump but she didnt want to. She was really scared and ended up saying that it was gone to the family. No one ever really went in the office when she went to the doctor, she didnt want them to. I mean when she had chemo I would go and visit her. I dont know why she would do this. I cant wrap my head around it yet, she knows how much I need her. I know that sounds selfish but she cannot leave me yet. She is the only one. I hate this fuckin day, and my life, and I just want someone to fix me.. I am so tired of crying and always being disappointed. Maybe if I wasnt so fucking stress to her she would have taken care of it ya know. I wrote what I had to say for the day.

I am not a realy religous person but if someone ever really reads this and you are, pray for my grandma- Her name is Janet. Anything that could help.

A MID-DAY MELTDOWN

Like all families mine is disfunctional. Today I was thinking about the charges and trouble I have gotten myself into as a result of being an addict. I have recently made some horrible decisions and now I am looking at a chunk of jail time . I dont do well in jail. No one really does, but I REALLY dont do well . I am one of those crybaby people who sleeps underneath the phone so I can call home right when I wake up and the phone is turned back on. I am terrified that I wont be able to go to rehab before I do the time. I will have to go through withdrawls in jail. I will go crazy. I will want to die.
I was sitting in my little space at my grandmas inside her home.Let me try to let you in on the situation with my mothers side of the family.My uncle Pat is 42 years old. He is married and also lives at my grandmas, along with his wife who he has been married to for 22 years. He has never attempted to move out. He is the epitomy of a Mamas Boy. He has no idea what the real world is like. He bitches that he has all these bills to pay, however the "bills" that he is bitching about is nothing but an internet bill ( internet is like his only freind, total computer geek) oh ya and he has a phone bill as well. The fucked up part is that he has his own number and his own land line but he has never even turned on the ringer. I guess it makes him feel better about no one ever calling him. He just says that people do call all the time but he just doesnt bother turning on the ringer. what a joke!!! We have never been close, or even really got along for that matter. Everyone in the family has told me that he doesnt like me because before I was born he was still the baby of the family. Its like he makes it a competition for my grandmas love. Today he told me that he hopes I rot in jail, and that Im nothing but a bastard child..That my Dad didnt even love me . Low blow... and all this came out of his mouth for some reason that I dont know . I was not even talking to him. He just came out of his room and decided to pop his mouth off and give his opinion. He is nothing but a fuckin asshole. He is not just mean to me. He is mean to his wife, his mom, and his freinds if he had any. Well fuckin a' . Now that I have vented a little I guess thats all I can do . My grandma just tells me to shut up, and dont cause problems when he does shit like this . No one sticks up for me. He just treats everyone like shit and gets away with it . I dont even feel comfortable in my space with him there. .... Why wont he just move away... Wishful thinking . He will never leave that house, he pays 200 dollars a month to live there. Thats it, no utilities nothing. That wouldnt pay for a fuckin outhouse . He has a rude awakening one of these days... I hope he is the one to rot in the end.

Well I have made it to see another day... I never thought about how this may be difficult to keep posting daily as I go along considering that I dont have a computer of my own. LOL. Ya if your thinkin that if I did I would have already clucked it off then you would be right. I woke up this morning and just felt like crying. I dont know exactly why, maybe its a lot of things. I have to go to court tomorrow. Not looking forward to it. To be completely honest I dont think that I am really looking forward to anything for that matter. Getting off beans is something I guess I should look towards. But really Im just scared of not being able to run to it when something goes wrong. I love when I get so fucked up that I cant even open my eyes, and all I can do is just sit there and think of nothing at all, feel nothing at all, say nothing at all. But that has lead me to be nothing at all. While alot of the people I went to school with will be graduating from a four year college this year, I will be graduating from a rehab. I could have been where they are, I could have done great things and be ready for a great job. Instead I just keep trying to find another waitressing job. Its not a glamorous career. There is no name plaque, or an office with a view. I cannot move up the corporate ladder. I will not be like this forever. Something has got to give. Well here I am another day, I made it to a computer and let my fingers do the talking. I feel like a hypocrite saying that I am getting clean when I look over and see a piece of foil and can feel the tooter in my pocket . But without some help and detox I know that I cannot do it on my own. I will do it when it comes time . I am quitting. Just not today. I hope someone will understand my struggle at whatever place they send me to. I am so sick of being misunderstood. I want someone to listen and give me an answer. Anyone?

Today I Started to Start Over

Today is the day I started to start over. .
I never thought that signing a few papers, checking a few boxes, and then recieving an appointment card would be so hard. I live in Washington state. I am working on getting funding from DSHS so that I can go to in-patient treatment. Its a long and drawn out paper trail from one government office to another. The assessment I filled out asked a lot of questions about when I started using and how often I used . The truth is I started doing drugs at fourteen. Smoking weed, and drinking were the first things I tried out. I used to drink a lot . For being a small petite girl I made a hell of a tolerance for myself. I blacked out pretty much every weekend anyways. My life didnt change for the worse until I came across a little blue pill. Its amazing how much has been affected by something no bigger than a fingernail. A friend of mine started selling oxycontin. At first I didnt know much of anything about opiates. I could buy an eighty for my lunch money, about seven bucks. I started doing them everyday at my lunch period , then again after school. We would skip class and smoke out, snort some oxy, then head back for last period. After high school I moved to Seattle with two of my best freinds. We got a apartment close to the college me and my freind were going to. At the time when I moved I never realized that I had a problem with pills. I figured I could just leave town and leave the pills behind too. About two days went by when I moved away, then I started getting really sick. I was unable to sleep , I had hot flashes, cold sweats, and I began to become anxious and depressed. Both emotionally and physicaly I was at my wits end, and all that time I wondered if being home sick could be this bad. I was naive and already in above my head at that time. I started making the three hour drive home every other day to score, and thats when someone told me that without oxy people who are addicted will have withdrawls. Fuckin A', that would have been nice to know before hand. But now that I look back I dont know if it would have made a difference. Long story short I came home. My grandma was diagnosed with cancer, and my friends and I had a falling out like most freinds do when you live together. Three girls trying to experience a new way of life, just trying to live and find thier way, all going through opiate withdrawls unbeknownest to them.
Now that I look back on coming home I think of it as the worst and best choice I made. I knew that I needed to be here for my grandma. She was jus like a Mother to me. She was also a dad, a freind, and all of the above! But on the other hand coming home made me feel like a loser, and a failure. Which also lead to me hitting it hard with drugs. From the time I came home until now I have lost everything over a five year battle . A mercedes, my house, one of my best friends, my first love, anything of value that i could pawn or trade for drugs, and my familys trust. Currently I have been living out of boxes for two years since I lost my house. I bounce from place to place. It seems like just when I got unpacked and comfortable, that it would be time to leave again and start all over. I am one of those people who needs to have thier own little place for my things, and just to chill. My own space has been a house that I had, my room at my moms ( that is when she doesnt have some weirdo staying in it.) . Now I am staying at my grandmas house. She has a camper that she lets me do what I want with. I have been staying in it off and on these two years. Right now all I have to call my space is that camper. My clothes dont fit in it so they have stayed in boxes that I pick through on the days that I have something and I dont feel like walking death, the days I actually get ready anymore. I havc slowly but surely began to care about and need less and less material things . Now it seems like as long as I have some foil, a straw, a lighter, some oxy, and a cigarette that I got it made. Oh and I cant forget about my babies. I have two dogs that have stuck with me, and even on my worst days I always make sure they have what they need, and then some. They are my probably my only real freinds.
Even if just one person reads my journey to getting clean, even if no one reads it but me and I can see how far I came along after all of this. Then it was worth it .
Until later on ...... Im off to take the dogs for a walk and think about whats in my future now that I sealed the deal today and signed my life as I know it away..... rehab wont be that bad right?? They will help me not to be so sick I hope.


Love Heather