IM STILL HERE

I have been gone for so long !! I didnt think that I woud miss blogging so much, but I really did. I guess this is like talking to someone for me. And fuck I could really use talking to someone lately. I get so worried about my life, I cant keep going on the way I am right now. I dont want to have this kind of life when I am older. I want better. I fucking bitched my whole life before I was a heartless drug addict, about how I was going to be indpendent. I am so far away from independent. I cant even leave town for the day without a pill. there is no spur of the moment . whats that ?? ripping someone off? I wanted to be so much better than this person I am. How can I want Mason to get better when I am the way I am. Who wants to be with someone thats so involved with something else. Even better , that something else that I havebeen to enthralled in also happens to make me a raving bitch whenI am sick, it makes me greedy and heartless. Hence my most popular thing I say to myself, I am a heartless drug addict. For being so heartless I really do love Mason. I would not go trhough all the arguing and the waiting for things to get better, ya know. Oh ya, it would be nice of me to explain my self for being gone. I moved back in with grandma, me and mom had it out. I spent awhile there , and I got comfortable again. I had my room all done up, moved my bed up there, really did it , the big move. I let go of one place, only to come back to it and give up somewhere else for now. Grandma is not really being very supportive anymore. She doesnt even call to say goodnight anymore. I miss her telling me that I was doing good. She can be so crazy and just really distatched. Not the same person, she becomes very vindictive and makes up lies for all sorts of out there reasons. I want to just be someone else sometimes ya know. Or not be at all even sometimes. I am so scared to leave. . . I dnt even know how to prepare for this. I dont want to miss my home ya know, and my dogs, and Mason and my family, what little I got left ya know . I have become very attached to the things that I do still have in my life, and have stuck around awhile if you know what I mean. I dont want to leave the little good parts that are still left. . . what if mason doesnt quit. what will i do without him, how will i handle being so fuckin mad at him and not wanting to use too. I really need him to stick this out with me. I dont want to think about this without him. talk later.