IM STILL HERE

I have been gone for so long !! I didnt think that I woud miss blogging so much, but I really did. I guess this is like talking to someone for me. And fuck I could really use talking to someone lately. I get so worried about my life, I cant keep going on the way I am right now. I dont want to have this kind of life when I am older. I want better. I fucking bitched my whole life before I was a heartless drug addict, about how I was going to be indpendent. I am so far away from independent. I cant even leave town for the day without a pill. there is no spur of the moment . whats that ?? ripping someone off? I wanted to be so much better than this person I am. How can I want Mason to get better when I am the way I am. Who wants to be with someone thats so involved with something else. Even better , that something else that I havebeen to enthralled in also happens to make me a raving bitch whenI am sick, it makes me greedy and heartless. Hence my most popular thing I say to myself, I am a heartless drug addict. For being so heartless I really do love Mason. I would not go trhough all the arguing and the waiting for things to get better, ya know. Oh ya, it would be nice of me to explain my self for being gone. I moved back in with grandma, me and mom had it out. I spent awhile there , and I got comfortable again. I had my room all done up, moved my bed up there, really did it , the big move. I let go of one place, only to come back to it and give up somewhere else for now. Grandma is not really being very supportive anymore. She doesnt even call to say goodnight anymore. I miss her telling me that I was doing good. She can be so crazy and just really distatched. Not the same person, she becomes very vindictive and makes up lies for all sorts of out there reasons. I want to just be someone else sometimes ya know. Or not be at all even sometimes. I am so scared to leave. . . I dnt even know how to prepare for this. I dont want to miss my home ya know, and my dogs, and Mason and my family, what little I got left ya know . I have become very attached to the things that I do still have in my life, and have stuck around awhile if you know what I mean. I dont want to leave the little good parts that are still left. . . what if mason doesnt quit. what will i do without him, how will i handle being so fuckin mad at him and not wanting to use too. I really need him to stick this out with me. I dont want to think about this without him. talk later.

Mason's First Post :)

Hello there !!! Sorry about the couple of days that I did not post. I have been getting shit done :) Mason is over visiting right now. YAY! He is sitting here right now. I got my wisdom teeth pulled today.. it hurts a lot right now but I think that it will feel better in the end . Good riddence. I did ok in court the other day as well. they continued it until the eighth so that I have some more time to come back and let them in on the plan with rehab.. I also did my little meet and greet I guess you would call it, with the social worker at PARC. She is nice , I dig her. Since I am a self referral they said that I would be a higher priority. I had to pee in a cup to fail a drug test, seems kinda stupid I think.. a waste of money and time. But whatever gets it done I guess. She was saying that Vancouver has a nice place and that she was gonna give them a call and see what we can do about getting me over there. Its coming up pretty fast, its crazy. Shitty huh. It will be better in the end, things are all gonna change soon. I will have a normal life again. Ill be able to go places and stuff and not have to worry about getting enough money to buy a bunch of pills so I dont get sick and shit. Mason says that he really likes my blog and that he thinks it a good idea.. its helps me a lot . I think that he should get a blog.... thats like a shot in the dark though.. lol he is not so much computer inclined.. Anyways just wanted to touch base with this and keep at it.. Ill be back!

Peace
P.s Mr Pippins is sitting with us :)

I cant wait to be done with these fucking pills. Where would I be right now if I wasnt such a fucking strung out piece of shit. I wouldnt be here at my moms house... where I am not wanted. I would be in my own house, hopefully with someone really nice who cared about me and loved me and stuck by me. What do I have? Nothing at all, I got my babies. Mr. Pippins and Marley. They are all I got.. really. I am so tired of having to be sick everytime I wake up. I hate the person that being sick makes me. I know am I not easy to be around . I do try really hard to be a good person to other people ya know. I try to not freak out but this shit makes me so sick. I wake up and my legs are already fucking killing me, I am burning up and covered in sweat, then Im cold and my skin is covered in goosebumps. I got these stomach cramps really bad. Its just hell. These are so hard to quit, cuz its not like there is only that emotional shit to deal with, and that I use pills to cover up shit in my life that I dont wanne think about. I mean thats part of it, but the sickness is the hardest part. I know it sounds like a druggie excuse, but I need them everyday. If you have ever been sick you understand. I hate who I am. I am a fuckin loser. I lost everything and I still never pulled my head out of my ass. I am 22. Other people i went to school with are graduating already from college and shit. They have real jobs . Not just like a drug dealer, or a fucking waitress. Sometimes I dont blame Mason for not wanting to try to make shit better for us to be together living our life. Who would wants to be with me , I dont even like me . Sometimes I wonder if its just too fucking late for me. My head is fucked up. Im always sad. I hate being sad all the time, Ive never cried so much as I have these last years. YA YEARS. If it could just all be over , and that was it. I wouldnt have to like do it myself ya know, then I think I would choose that. I know thats pussy. But shit man I cant take more. I dont feel comfortable anywhere. No where is home . Maybe its because I am not welcome, my own family doesnt like me being around. My mom just told my Grandma earlier on the phone that unfortunatly I was here. . . . nice. I know that I can be a fuckn bitch but when she does those fuckin talk like how she cant put up with this shit anymore, she cant take it. I wish she would just think about how muh bullshit she has put me through all my life. The times where she was ridiculous, the times where friends at school began to feel sorry for me, or when people actually get to know her they could see where it was not just me being like that. I may have been a piece of shit for the last couple years. But she has been two different people my whole life. She can be really nice , so nice. But then she gets so mean, and not just mean like fucking oh my god ridiculous shit . And I know I freak out but she knows what I am going through and how hard it is and how alone and sad I feel . How anxious I get, and how I can never fall asleep.So does Mason but that doesnt seem to change much for him at all. I woudnt front himk a quarter when he was already smoking out with his room mates. Ya the ones who he said fucked him so bad by taking his money.... those ones .. I dont know what to believe anymore. I mean I know what its like to be sick and desperate but I dont wanna think they would do that to Mason ya know they are good friends. But who knows. Anyways my fingers are starting to cramp up. I am going to go and smoke some resin. . . peace out until later. Please let something get better today I am so scared and fuckin sad. Fuckin a I want to be better.

I guess good can come to those who wait... and I have been especially patient.

I JUST TRIED TO SAVE A REALLY REALLY LONG POST AND IT DIDNT SAVE ANYTHING BUT THE TITLE.............


FUCK THIS

Fuckin Mason

Well Mason had a bunch of court shit go wrong with his bail and everyting . So long story short he had to come up with 500 dollars in order to take out another bond and keep himself out of jail. well he had the money in his wallet , and no one else was home but fuckin Nick and Sarah. Now the walllet is gone. I wonder who fucking took it . how heartless is that . They knew how much he needed that . Its what makes the difference of him being in jail until March 18th or not in jail. They are the biggest fuckin cry babies. They get so much money from doing nothing at all but havg parents with money. She gets all her bills paid for, and her car, and her food, and anytime something goes wrong in her little world she calls and gets cash then too ! They didnt need to take that money. I think mason is really fuckin stupid tho for thinking that they wouldnt take it . He just leaves it laying around. Now I am going to have to fuckin pay for it since all those bitches are fucked up. And I plan on saying something for all my troubles I think thats just a given, I cant believe he is really not saying anything tho. He just acts like oh well Im fucked... nothin i can do about it now... drr drrr drrr. Idiot. Then he really has the nerve to tell me I am so fuckin annoying when Im telling him that he should have been more careful but I will still help him. He could have been a little fucking nicer. I mean if he wants to be a fuckin jerk then he can just sit it out..
I fucking hate nick and sarah. FUCK THEM. I HOPE THERE LITTLE INSURANCE BULLSHIT GETS ALL FUCKED UP. THEN THEY CAN TAKE THAT 500 BUCKS AND MAKE THAT THERE INSURANCE CHECK. SOUND GOOD? BITCHES. I CANT WAIT UNTIL NEXT WEEK WHEN I GET ALL THAT MONEY I WILL JUST RUB IN IN THIER FUCKIN FACES.

GREAT FUCKIN NEWS!

I got a deal from the prosecutor today.. 45 days jail and then 15 suspended , then the other 30 days converted to community service . hooray! I will just go back out to animal shelter . Fuck ya. I cant believe that, everyone just figured I was fucked. Ya know like for sure doing some kind of time in jail. And I am so fucking scared of jail. Like you have no idea. I just cry the entire time and sleep right under the phone. its not a good situation. Thank goodness. Anyhow !

Grandma was happy to hear about it , she also asked when she would get her car back , hopeing that on Monday she would get it back..... who knows.. I am still gonna do that whole rehab thing . I will be on a first time offender thing and have to report to D.O.C its not for sure but its a good possibility. Anyways I will keep more in touch. No one is reading this . I know this. Im not stupid.... I guess I just dont mind talking to myself. I really jsut want to have soemthing to look back on when I get better so I can remind myself how much I hated being sick everyday and having to try and come up with outragous amounts of money everyday just to not feel like complete fucking walking death. Its the worst kind of fucking sick.It makes living a normal fucking life impossible . It will slowly take apart everyone who does them and pick away everything that they care about and anything that they own of any value. Its such a bitch dude. well fucking a enough typing for now. Its done for the day. Signing off.
Over and out , Roger that 10-4. LOL PEACE

Fuckin Public Pretenders

Well . I was absent from the blog for a couple of days. I spent the night over with Mason. We had such a good day together. We didnt fight . We had lots of fun :) It was Terrens birthday so we had to go out to Jacks and have a little family dinner thing, BLAH! Jack is so fuckin annoying. So is Kathy tho too. Fuckin A her hair looks like a skunk got into a fight with her.
anyways I finally got a damn appointment to meet with my attorney. I got ahold of him last wednesday and he said to call back on tuesday or monday and make an appointment with him. Well Tuesday and Monday were a bust. I called like every two hours both days trying to reac him. It was a failure. But then I finally did reach him the next day and consequently I have to eb there at two o clock today.... I am really fucking nervous about what the prosecutor will have said about me goging to rehab. I hope that they see how hard I am trying and at least give me sone time to get better before they just lock me up. Well lets see. what else has happened.


Grandma has been threatenting to revoke my bail so that she can have her fuckin title back . She says it like that she needs her car and shit to take care of her stuff with cancer. And that she cant do anything until she has her car. She has the damn car. Its in her fuckin drive way. Its like thats all she has talked about every problem ends with that damn bond.
Anyways Ill gab at you all later .

Peace:)