I cant wait to be done with these fucking pills. Where would I be right now if I wasnt such a fucking strung out piece of shit. I wouldnt be here at my moms house... where I am not wanted. I would be in my own house, hopefully with someone really nice who cared about me and loved me and stuck by me. What do I have? Nothing at all, I got my babies. Mr. Pippins and Marley. They are all I got.. really. I am so tired of having to be sick everytime I wake up. I hate the person that being sick makes me. I know am I not easy to be around . I do try really hard to be a good person to other people ya know. I try to not freak out but this shit makes me so sick. I wake up and my legs are already fucking killing me, I am burning up and covered in sweat, then Im cold and my skin is covered in goosebumps. I got these stomach cramps really bad. Its just hell. These are so hard to quit, cuz its not like there is only that emotional shit to deal with, and that I use pills to cover up shit in my life that I dont wanne think about. I mean thats part of it, but the sickness is the hardest part. I know it sounds like a druggie excuse, but I need them everyday. If you have ever been sick you understand. I hate who I am. I am a fuckin loser. I lost everything and I still never pulled my head out of my ass. I am 22. Other people i went to school with are graduating already from college and shit. They have real jobs . Not just like a drug dealer, or a fucking waitress. Sometimes I dont blame Mason for not wanting to try to make shit better for us to be together living our life. Who would wants to be with me , I dont even like me . Sometimes I wonder if its just too fucking late for me. My head is fucked up. Im always sad. I hate being sad all the time, Ive never cried so much as I have these last years. YA YEARS. If it could just all be over , and that was it. I wouldnt have to like do it myself ya know, then I think I would choose that. I know thats pussy. But shit man I cant take more. I dont feel comfortable anywhere. No where is home . Maybe its because I am not welcome, my own family doesnt like me being around. My mom just told my Grandma earlier on the phone that unfortunatly I was here. . . . nice. I know that I can be a fuckn bitch but when she does those fuckin talk like how she cant put up with this shit anymore, she cant take it. I wish she would just think about how muh bullshit she has put me through all my life. The times where she was ridiculous, the times where friends at school began to feel sorry for me, or when people actually get to know her they could see where it was not just me being like that. I may have been a piece of shit for the last couple years. But she has been two different people my whole life. She can be really nice , so nice. But then she gets so mean, and not just mean like fucking oh my god ridiculous shit . And I know I freak out but she knows what I am going through and how hard it is and how alone and sad I feel . How anxious I get, and how I can never fall asleep.So does Mason but that doesnt seem to change much for him at all. I woudnt front himk a quarter when he was already smoking out with his room mates. Ya the ones who he said fucked him so bad by taking his money.... those ones .. I dont know what to believe anymore. I mean I know what its like to be sick and desperate but I dont wanna think they would do that to Mason ya know they are good friends. But who knows. Anyways my fingers are starting to cramp up. I am going to go and smoke some resin. . . peace out until later. Please let something get better today I am so scared and fuckin sad. Fuckin a I want to be better.