Today I Started to Start Over

Today is the day I started to start over. .
I never thought that signing a few papers, checking a few boxes, and then recieving an appointment card would be so hard. I live in Washington state. I am working on getting funding from DSHS so that I can go to in-patient treatment. Its a long and drawn out paper trail from one government office to another. The assessment I filled out asked a lot of questions about when I started using and how often I used . The truth is I started doing drugs at fourteen. Smoking weed, and drinking were the first things I tried out. I used to drink a lot . For being a small petite girl I made a hell of a tolerance for myself. I blacked out pretty much every weekend anyways. My life didnt change for the worse until I came across a little blue pill. Its amazing how much has been affected by something no bigger than a fingernail. A friend of mine started selling oxycontin. At first I didnt know much of anything about opiates. I could buy an eighty for my lunch money, about seven bucks. I started doing them everyday at my lunch period , then again after school. We would skip class and smoke out, snort some oxy, then head back for last period. After high school I moved to Seattle with two of my best freinds. We got a apartment close to the college me and my freind were going to. At the time when I moved I never realized that I had a problem with pills. I figured I could just leave town and leave the pills behind too. About two days went by when I moved away, then I started getting really sick. I was unable to sleep , I had hot flashes, cold sweats, and I began to become anxious and depressed. Both emotionally and physicaly I was at my wits end, and all that time I wondered if being home sick could be this bad. I was naive and already in above my head at that time. I started making the three hour drive home every other day to score, and thats when someone told me that without oxy people who are addicted will have withdrawls. Fuckin A', that would have been nice to know before hand. But now that I look back I dont know if it would have made a difference. Long story short I came home. My grandma was diagnosed with cancer, and my friends and I had a falling out like most freinds do when you live together. Three girls trying to experience a new way of life, just trying to live and find thier way, all going through opiate withdrawls unbeknownest to them.
Now that I look back on coming home I think of it as the worst and best choice I made. I knew that I needed to be here for my grandma. She was jus like a Mother to me. She was also a dad, a freind, and all of the above! But on the other hand coming home made me feel like a loser, and a failure. Which also lead to me hitting it hard with drugs. From the time I came home until now I have lost everything over a five year battle . A mercedes, my house, one of my best friends, my first love, anything of value that i could pawn or trade for drugs, and my familys trust. Currently I have been living out of boxes for two years since I lost my house. I bounce from place to place. It seems like just when I got unpacked and comfortable, that it would be time to leave again and start all over. I am one of those people who needs to have thier own little place for my things, and just to chill. My own space has been a house that I had, my room at my moms ( that is when she doesnt have some weirdo staying in it.) . Now I am staying at my grandmas house. She has a camper that she lets me do what I want with. I have been staying in it off and on these two years. Right now all I have to call my space is that camper. My clothes dont fit in it so they have stayed in boxes that I pick through on the days that I have something and I dont feel like walking death, the days I actually get ready anymore. I havc slowly but surely began to care about and need less and less material things . Now it seems like as long as I have some foil, a straw, a lighter, some oxy, and a cigarette that I got it made. Oh and I cant forget about my babies. I have two dogs that have stuck with me, and even on my worst days I always make sure they have what they need, and then some. They are my probably my only real freinds.
Even if just one person reads my journey to getting clean, even if no one reads it but me and I can see how far I came along after all of this. Then it was worth it .
Until later on ...... Im off to take the dogs for a walk and think about whats in my future now that I sealed the deal today and signed my life as I know it away..... rehab wont be that bad right?? They will help me not to be so sick I hope.


Love Heather