My How things Can Change?

Well the day has progressed, and I figured I would come back for the last post I told myself I would make. All I have right now is just blank feelings.. I feel like right now I am just kinda stuck in the middle with everything... absolutely everything. I am stuck riht now still getting high and shit but I know right not that in the near future all of it will have to come to a stop. A change.. And what will change when that happens? I dont know it if I will like to be sober, and that is just being completely honest. I know it sounds bad fuckin a tho . This kinda thing has been with me for awhile and its been something I did in accompany with a lot of really normal stuff. So when I do all this normal shit without it maybe it wont be so normal anymore. I freak myself out thinking about weird things, and what ifs.
I am in the middle of things with my boyfriend. Its to the point where there are times now that I dont even know if I should call him that . And no I am not a stalker. We have been back and forth at this for three years or so. I have lived with him, for a good three quarters of the time. I do love him. I just miss the way he used to be , the way we used to be. I have really tried to not go on about us in this but here it is . I cant avoid it, its something that I think about many of the times when I just space out. Ya know when you just dont mean to. My mom just walked in and said that she saw Mason.. Creepy.
Enough of that silly dreamer talk.... A little less deep now . Lets move on to the here and now. For today I even feel in the middle of what I should do after this. Should I go back to grandmas. Should I stay here? I dont know anymore. Nothing really feels like home. I go here, there, and everywhere. My dogs make it feel like home tho. At least more so than without them. I dont even like to say without them. Shit I wish I could figure out a hustle for the night. Thats me thinking and typing. But this thing is about me being honest. And these days are coming to and end. For some you may think ya know 30 days or something is a long time to count down to and think about something that way in a negative light. Well hell poeple I have done this for the greater part of 5 years . Not proud of it . But it does scare the hell out of me to now know what it will be like.
Im gonna go.