I cant wait to be done with these fucking pills. Where would I be right now if I wasnt such a fucking strung out piece of shit. I wouldnt be here at my moms house... where I am not wanted. I would be in my own house, hopefully with someone really nice who cared about me and loved me and stuck by me. What do I have? Nothing at all, I got my babies. Mr. Pippins and Marley. They are all I got.. really. I am so tired of having to be sick everytime I wake up. I hate the person that being sick makes me. I know am I not easy to be around . I do try really hard to be a good person to other people ya know. I try to not freak out but this shit makes me so sick. I wake up and my legs are already fucking killing me, I am burning up and covered in sweat, then Im cold and my skin is covered in goosebumps. I got these stomach cramps really bad. Its just hell. These are so hard to quit, cuz its not like there is only that emotional shit to deal with, and that I use pills to cover up shit in my life that I dont wanne think about. I mean thats part of it, but the sickness is the hardest part. I know it sounds like a druggie excuse, but I need them everyday. If you have ever been sick you understand. I hate who I am. I am a fuckin loser. I lost everything and I still never pulled my head out of my ass. I am 22. Other people i went to school with are graduating already from college and shit. They have real jobs . Not just like a drug dealer, or a fucking waitress. Sometimes I dont blame Mason for not wanting to try to make shit better for us to be together living our life. Who would wants to be with me , I dont even like me . Sometimes I wonder if its just too fucking late for me. My head is fucked up. Im always sad. I hate being sad all the time, Ive never cried so much as I have these last years. YA YEARS. If it could just all be over , and that was it. I wouldnt have to like do it myself ya know, then I think I would choose that. I know thats pussy. But shit man I cant take more. I dont feel comfortable anywhere. No where is home . Maybe its because I am not welcome, my own family doesnt like me being around. My mom just told my Grandma earlier on the phone that unfortunatly I was here. . . . nice. I know that I can be a fuckn bitch but when she does those fuckin talk like how she cant put up with this shit anymore, she cant take it. I wish she would just think about how muh bullshit she has put me through all my life. The times where she was ridiculous, the times where friends at school began to feel sorry for me, or when people actually get to know her they could see where it was not just me being like that. I may have been a piece of shit for the last couple years. But she has been two different people my whole life. She can be really nice , so nice. But then she gets so mean, and not just mean like fucking oh my god ridiculous shit . And I know I freak out but she knows what I am going through and how hard it is and how alone and sad I feel . How anxious I get, and how I can never fall asleep.So does Mason but that doesnt seem to change much for him at all. I woudnt front himk a quarter when he was already smoking out with his room mates. Ya the ones who he said fucked him so bad by taking his money.... those ones .. I dont know what to believe anymore. I mean I know what its like to be sick and desperate but I dont wanna think they would do that to Mason ya know they are good friends. But who knows. Anyways my fingers are starting to cramp up. I am going to go and smoke some resin. . . peace out until later. Please let something get better today I am so scared and fuckin sad. Fuckin a I want to be better.

I guess good can come to those who wait... and I have been especially patient.

I JUST TRIED TO SAVE A REALLY REALLY LONG POST AND IT DIDNT SAVE ANYTHING BUT THE TITLE.............


FUCK THIS

Fuckin Mason

Well Mason had a bunch of court shit go wrong with his bail and everyting . So long story short he had to come up with 500 dollars in order to take out another bond and keep himself out of jail. well he had the money in his wallet , and no one else was home but fuckin Nick and Sarah. Now the walllet is gone. I wonder who fucking took it . how heartless is that . They knew how much he needed that . Its what makes the difference of him being in jail until March 18th or not in jail. They are the biggest fuckin cry babies. They get so much money from doing nothing at all but havg parents with money. She gets all her bills paid for, and her car, and her food, and anytime something goes wrong in her little world she calls and gets cash then too ! They didnt need to take that money. I think mason is really fuckin stupid tho for thinking that they wouldnt take it . He just leaves it laying around. Now I am going to have to fuckin pay for it since all those bitches are fucked up. And I plan on saying something for all my troubles I think thats just a given, I cant believe he is really not saying anything tho. He just acts like oh well Im fucked... nothin i can do about it now... drr drrr drrr. Idiot. Then he really has the nerve to tell me I am so fuckin annoying when Im telling him that he should have been more careful but I will still help him. He could have been a little fucking nicer. I mean if he wants to be a fuckin jerk then he can just sit it out..
I fucking hate nick and sarah. FUCK THEM. I HOPE THERE LITTLE INSURANCE BULLSHIT GETS ALL FUCKED UP. THEN THEY CAN TAKE THAT 500 BUCKS AND MAKE THAT THERE INSURANCE CHECK. SOUND GOOD? BITCHES. I CANT WAIT UNTIL NEXT WEEK WHEN I GET ALL THAT MONEY I WILL JUST RUB IN IN THIER FUCKIN FACES.

GREAT FUCKIN NEWS!

I got a deal from the prosecutor today.. 45 days jail and then 15 suspended , then the other 30 days converted to community service . hooray! I will just go back out to animal shelter . Fuck ya. I cant believe that, everyone just figured I was fucked. Ya know like for sure doing some kind of time in jail. And I am so fucking scared of jail. Like you have no idea. I just cry the entire time and sleep right under the phone. its not a good situation. Thank goodness. Anyhow !

Grandma was happy to hear about it , she also asked when she would get her car back , hopeing that on Monday she would get it back..... who knows.. I am still gonna do that whole rehab thing . I will be on a first time offender thing and have to report to D.O.C its not for sure but its a good possibility. Anyways I will keep more in touch. No one is reading this . I know this. Im not stupid.... I guess I just dont mind talking to myself. I really jsut want to have soemthing to look back on when I get better so I can remind myself how much I hated being sick everyday and having to try and come up with outragous amounts of money everyday just to not feel like complete fucking walking death. Its the worst kind of fucking sick.It makes living a normal fucking life impossible . It will slowly take apart everyone who does them and pick away everything that they care about and anything that they own of any value. Its such a bitch dude. well fucking a enough typing for now. Its done for the day. Signing off.
Over and out , Roger that 10-4. LOL PEACE

Fuckin Public Pretenders

Well . I was absent from the blog for a couple of days. I spent the night over with Mason. We had such a good day together. We didnt fight . We had lots of fun :) It was Terrens birthday so we had to go out to Jacks and have a little family dinner thing, BLAH! Jack is so fuckin annoying. So is Kathy tho too. Fuckin A her hair looks like a skunk got into a fight with her.
anyways I finally got a damn appointment to meet with my attorney. I got ahold of him last wednesday and he said to call back on tuesday or monday and make an appointment with him. Well Tuesday and Monday were a bust. I called like every two hours both days trying to reac him. It was a failure. But then I finally did reach him the next day and consequently I have to eb there at two o clock today.... I am really fucking nervous about what the prosecutor will have said about me goging to rehab. I hope that they see how hard I am trying and at least give me sone time to get better before they just lock me up. Well lets see. what else has happened.


Grandma has been threatenting to revoke my bail so that she can have her fuckin title back . She says it like that she needs her car and shit to take care of her stuff with cancer. And that she cant do anything until she has her car. She has the damn car. Its in her fuckin drive way. Its like thats all she has talked about every problem ends with that damn bond.
Anyways Ill gab at you all later .

Peace:)

I was on a roll.

Well not even a week into this and I reasly am missing a day! Shit happens. Nothing eventful happened, so its not like you missed out. I spoke with Mason last night while he was drinkin over at Swartz's house. I am just pushing him farther away. I am so scared right now of everything. I try to call him all the time but since he never bought that phone like he was supposed to last week. I miss my Mason so much. Its like we arent even together anymore. I dont hardly ever see him. One of his long lived reasons to fire back at me is " well Heather, I lived with you until you threw me out" . Why does it always have to be one extreme to the other?? Its either we are together all day everyday, or just no fuckin at all. I dont remember the last time we kissed each other, like a good kiss. I love him so much. But I dont know anyone else who can get under mu skiin the way he does. I dont understand the way he thinks. Its so fucked up sometimes. Dont get me wrong I am a crazy bitch. I cry and yell and then sometimes I even hyperventilate.I just want him to make it better somehow. Just start doing everything he has said that he would do in to the past. I am really trying to make some huge fucking changes. Like pretty much everything and I would just like something to remain the same. Like us, what we used to be. We were best freinds. I miss that the most. He doesnt think about me the same. I am not the same person to him anymore. I just want him to love me and want me like he used to love and want me.

Anyways.... I gotta call my lawyer soon. I am supposed to do that and then I told Mason I would come over last night around noon today, whether or not he remembers I dont know.
Until later today.. Peace

My How things Can Change?

Well the day has progressed, and I figured I would come back for the last post I told myself I would make. All I have right now is just blank feelings.. I feel like right now I am just kinda stuck in the middle with everything... absolutely everything. I am stuck riht now still getting high and shit but I know right not that in the near future all of it will have to come to a stop. A change.. And what will change when that happens? I dont know it if I will like to be sober, and that is just being completely honest. I know it sounds bad fuckin a tho . This kinda thing has been with me for awhile and its been something I did in accompany with a lot of really normal stuff. So when I do all this normal shit without it maybe it wont be so normal anymore. I freak myself out thinking about weird things, and what ifs.
I am in the middle of things with my boyfriend. Its to the point where there are times now that I dont even know if I should call him that . And no I am not a stalker. We have been back and forth at this for three years or so. I have lived with him, for a good three quarters of the time. I do love him. I just miss the way he used to be , the way we used to be. I have really tried to not go on about us in this but here it is . I cant avoid it, its something that I think about many of the times when I just space out. Ya know when you just dont mean to. My mom just walked in and said that she saw Mason.. Creepy.
Enough of that silly dreamer talk.... A little less deep now . Lets move on to the here and now. For today I even feel in the middle of what I should do after this. Should I go back to grandmas. Should I stay here? I dont know anymore. Nothing really feels like home. I go here, there, and everywhere. My dogs make it feel like home tho. At least more so than without them. I dont even like to say without them. Shit I wish I could figure out a hustle for the night. Thats me thinking and typing. But this thing is about me being honest. And these days are coming to and end. For some you may think ya know 30 days or something is a long time to count down to and think about something that way in a negative light. Well hell poeple I have done this for the greater part of 5 years . Not proud of it . But it does scare the hell out of me to now know what it will be like.
Im gonna go.