IM STILL HERE

I have been gone for so long !! I didnt think that I woud miss blogging so much, but I really did. I guess this is like talking to someone for me. And fuck I could really use talking to someone lately. I get so worried about my life, I cant keep going on the way I am right now. I dont want to have this kind of life when I am older. I want better. I fucking bitched my whole life before I was a heartless drug addict, about how I was going to be indpendent. I am so far away from independent. I cant even leave town for the day without a pill. there is no spur of the moment . whats that ?? ripping someone off? I wanted to be so much better than this person I am. How can I want Mason to get better when I am the way I am. Who wants to be with someone thats so involved with something else. Even better , that something else that I havebeen to enthralled in also happens to make me a raving bitch whenI am sick, it makes me greedy and heartless. Hence my most popular thing I say to myself, I am a heartless drug addict. For being so heartless I really do love Mason. I would not go trhough all the arguing and the waiting for things to get better, ya know. Oh ya, it would be nice of me to explain my self for being gone. I moved back in with grandma, me and mom had it out. I spent awhile there , and I got comfortable again. I had my room all done up, moved my bed up there, really did it , the big move. I let go of one place, only to come back to it and give up somewhere else for now. Grandma is not really being very supportive anymore. She doesnt even call to say goodnight anymore. I miss her telling me that I was doing good. She can be so crazy and just really distatched. Not the same person, she becomes very vindictive and makes up lies for all sorts of out there reasons. I want to just be someone else sometimes ya know. Or not be at all even sometimes. I am so scared to leave. . . I dnt even know how to prepare for this. I dont want to miss my home ya know, and my dogs, and Mason and my family, what little I got left ya know . I have become very attached to the things that I do still have in my life, and have stuck around awhile if you know what I mean. I dont want to leave the little good parts that are still left. . . what if mason doesnt quit. what will i do without him, how will i handle being so fuckin mad at him and not wanting to use too. I really need him to stick this out with me. I dont want to think about this without him. talk later.

Mason's First Post :)

Hello there !!! Sorry about the couple of days that I did not post. I have been getting shit done :) Mason is over visiting right now. YAY! He is sitting here right now. I got my wisdom teeth pulled today.. it hurts a lot right now but I think that it will feel better in the end . Good riddence. I did ok in court the other day as well. they continued it until the eighth so that I have some more time to come back and let them in on the plan with rehab.. I also did my little meet and greet I guess you would call it, with the social worker at PARC. She is nice , I dig her. Since I am a self referral they said that I would be a higher priority. I had to pee in a cup to fail a drug test, seems kinda stupid I think.. a waste of money and time. But whatever gets it done I guess. She was saying that Vancouver has a nice place and that she was gonna give them a call and see what we can do about getting me over there. Its coming up pretty fast, its crazy. Shitty huh. It will be better in the end, things are all gonna change soon. I will have a normal life again. Ill be able to go places and stuff and not have to worry about getting enough money to buy a bunch of pills so I dont get sick and shit. Mason says that he really likes my blog and that he thinks it a good idea.. its helps me a lot . I think that he should get a blog.... thats like a shot in the dark though.. lol he is not so much computer inclined.. Anyways just wanted to touch base with this and keep at it.. Ill be back!

Peace
P.s Mr Pippins is sitting with us :)

I cant wait to be done with these fucking pills. Where would I be right now if I wasnt such a fucking strung out piece of shit. I wouldnt be here at my moms house... where I am not wanted. I would be in my own house, hopefully with someone really nice who cared about me and loved me and stuck by me. What do I have? Nothing at all, I got my babies. Mr. Pippins and Marley. They are all I got.. really. I am so tired of having to be sick everytime I wake up. I hate the person that being sick makes me. I know am I not easy to be around . I do try really hard to be a good person to other people ya know. I try to not freak out but this shit makes me so sick. I wake up and my legs are already fucking killing me, I am burning up and covered in sweat, then Im cold and my skin is covered in goosebumps. I got these stomach cramps really bad. Its just hell. These are so hard to quit, cuz its not like there is only that emotional shit to deal with, and that I use pills to cover up shit in my life that I dont wanne think about. I mean thats part of it, but the sickness is the hardest part. I know it sounds like a druggie excuse, but I need them everyday. If you have ever been sick you understand. I hate who I am. I am a fuckin loser. I lost everything and I still never pulled my head out of my ass. I am 22. Other people i went to school with are graduating already from college and shit. They have real jobs . Not just like a drug dealer, or a fucking waitress. Sometimes I dont blame Mason for not wanting to try to make shit better for us to be together living our life. Who would wants to be with me , I dont even like me . Sometimes I wonder if its just too fucking late for me. My head is fucked up. Im always sad. I hate being sad all the time, Ive never cried so much as I have these last years. YA YEARS. If it could just all be over , and that was it. I wouldnt have to like do it myself ya know, then I think I would choose that. I know thats pussy. But shit man I cant take more. I dont feel comfortable anywhere. No where is home . Maybe its because I am not welcome, my own family doesnt like me being around. My mom just told my Grandma earlier on the phone that unfortunatly I was here. . . . nice. I know that I can be a fuckn bitch but when she does those fuckin talk like how she cant put up with this shit anymore, she cant take it. I wish she would just think about how muh bullshit she has put me through all my life. The times where she was ridiculous, the times where friends at school began to feel sorry for me, or when people actually get to know her they could see where it was not just me being like that. I may have been a piece of shit for the last couple years. But she has been two different people my whole life. She can be really nice , so nice. But then she gets so mean, and not just mean like fucking oh my god ridiculous shit . And I know I freak out but she knows what I am going through and how hard it is and how alone and sad I feel . How anxious I get, and how I can never fall asleep.So does Mason but that doesnt seem to change much for him at all. I woudnt front himk a quarter when he was already smoking out with his room mates. Ya the ones who he said fucked him so bad by taking his money.... those ones .. I dont know what to believe anymore. I mean I know what its like to be sick and desperate but I dont wanna think they would do that to Mason ya know they are good friends. But who knows. Anyways my fingers are starting to cramp up. I am going to go and smoke some resin. . . peace out until later. Please let something get better today I am so scared and fuckin sad. Fuckin a I want to be better.

I guess good can come to those who wait... and I have been especially patient.

I JUST TRIED TO SAVE A REALLY REALLY LONG POST AND IT DIDNT SAVE ANYTHING BUT THE TITLE.............


FUCK THIS

Fuckin Mason

Well Mason had a bunch of court shit go wrong with his bail and everyting . So long story short he had to come up with 500 dollars in order to take out another bond and keep himself out of jail. well he had the money in his wallet , and no one else was home but fuckin Nick and Sarah. Now the walllet is gone. I wonder who fucking took it . how heartless is that . They knew how much he needed that . Its what makes the difference of him being in jail until March 18th or not in jail. They are the biggest fuckin cry babies. They get so much money from doing nothing at all but havg parents with money. She gets all her bills paid for, and her car, and her food, and anytime something goes wrong in her little world she calls and gets cash then too ! They didnt need to take that money. I think mason is really fuckin stupid tho for thinking that they wouldnt take it . He just leaves it laying around. Now I am going to have to fuckin pay for it since all those bitches are fucked up. And I plan on saying something for all my troubles I think thats just a given, I cant believe he is really not saying anything tho. He just acts like oh well Im fucked... nothin i can do about it now... drr drrr drrr. Idiot. Then he really has the nerve to tell me I am so fuckin annoying when Im telling him that he should have been more careful but I will still help him. He could have been a little fucking nicer. I mean if he wants to be a fuckin jerk then he can just sit it out..
I fucking hate nick and sarah. FUCK THEM. I HOPE THERE LITTLE INSURANCE BULLSHIT GETS ALL FUCKED UP. THEN THEY CAN TAKE THAT 500 BUCKS AND MAKE THAT THERE INSURANCE CHECK. SOUND GOOD? BITCHES. I CANT WAIT UNTIL NEXT WEEK WHEN I GET ALL THAT MONEY I WILL JUST RUB IN IN THIER FUCKIN FACES.

GREAT FUCKIN NEWS!

I got a deal from the prosecutor today.. 45 days jail and then 15 suspended , then the other 30 days converted to community service . hooray! I will just go back out to animal shelter . Fuck ya. I cant believe that, everyone just figured I was fucked. Ya know like for sure doing some kind of time in jail. And I am so fucking scared of jail. Like you have no idea. I just cry the entire time and sleep right under the phone. its not a good situation. Thank goodness. Anyhow !

Grandma was happy to hear about it , she also asked when she would get her car back , hopeing that on Monday she would get it back..... who knows.. I am still gonna do that whole rehab thing . I will be on a first time offender thing and have to report to D.O.C its not for sure but its a good possibility. Anyways I will keep more in touch. No one is reading this . I know this. Im not stupid.... I guess I just dont mind talking to myself. I really jsut want to have soemthing to look back on when I get better so I can remind myself how much I hated being sick everyday and having to try and come up with outragous amounts of money everyday just to not feel like complete fucking walking death. Its the worst kind of fucking sick.It makes living a normal fucking life impossible . It will slowly take apart everyone who does them and pick away everything that they care about and anything that they own of any value. Its such a bitch dude. well fucking a enough typing for now. Its done for the day. Signing off.
Over and out , Roger that 10-4. LOL PEACE

Fuckin Public Pretenders

Well . I was absent from the blog for a couple of days. I spent the night over with Mason. We had such a good day together. We didnt fight . We had lots of fun :) It was Terrens birthday so we had to go out to Jacks and have a little family dinner thing, BLAH! Jack is so fuckin annoying. So is Kathy tho too. Fuckin A her hair looks like a skunk got into a fight with her.
anyways I finally got a damn appointment to meet with my attorney. I got ahold of him last wednesday and he said to call back on tuesday or monday and make an appointment with him. Well Tuesday and Monday were a bust. I called like every two hours both days trying to reac him. It was a failure. But then I finally did reach him the next day and consequently I have to eb there at two o clock today.... I am really fucking nervous about what the prosecutor will have said about me goging to rehab. I hope that they see how hard I am trying and at least give me sone time to get better before they just lock me up. Well lets see. what else has happened.


Grandma has been threatenting to revoke my bail so that she can have her fuckin title back . She says it like that she needs her car and shit to take care of her stuff with cancer. And that she cant do anything until she has her car. She has the damn car. Its in her fuckin drive way. Its like thats all she has talked about every problem ends with that damn bond.
Anyways Ill gab at you all later .

Peace:)

I was on a roll.

Well not even a week into this and I reasly am missing a day! Shit happens. Nothing eventful happened, so its not like you missed out. I spoke with Mason last night while he was drinkin over at Swartz's house. I am just pushing him farther away. I am so scared right now of everything. I try to call him all the time but since he never bought that phone like he was supposed to last week. I miss my Mason so much. Its like we arent even together anymore. I dont hardly ever see him. One of his long lived reasons to fire back at me is " well Heather, I lived with you until you threw me out" . Why does it always have to be one extreme to the other?? Its either we are together all day everyday, or just no fuckin at all. I dont remember the last time we kissed each other, like a good kiss. I love him so much. But I dont know anyone else who can get under mu skiin the way he does. I dont understand the way he thinks. Its so fucked up sometimes. Dont get me wrong I am a crazy bitch. I cry and yell and then sometimes I even hyperventilate.I just want him to make it better somehow. Just start doing everything he has said that he would do in to the past. I am really trying to make some huge fucking changes. Like pretty much everything and I would just like something to remain the same. Like us, what we used to be. We were best freinds. I miss that the most. He doesnt think about me the same. I am not the same person to him anymore. I just want him to love me and want me like he used to love and want me.

Anyways.... I gotta call my lawyer soon. I am supposed to do that and then I told Mason I would come over last night around noon today, whether or not he remembers I dont know.
Until later today.. Peace

My How things Can Change?

Well the day has progressed, and I figured I would come back for the last post I told myself I would make. All I have right now is just blank feelings.. I feel like right now I am just kinda stuck in the middle with everything... absolutely everything. I am stuck riht now still getting high and shit but I know right not that in the near future all of it will have to come to a stop. A change.. And what will change when that happens? I dont know it if I will like to be sober, and that is just being completely honest. I know it sounds bad fuckin a tho . This kinda thing has been with me for awhile and its been something I did in accompany with a lot of really normal stuff. So when I do all this normal shit without it maybe it wont be so normal anymore. I freak myself out thinking about weird things, and what ifs.
I am in the middle of things with my boyfriend. Its to the point where there are times now that I dont even know if I should call him that . And no I am not a stalker. We have been back and forth at this for three years or so. I have lived with him, for a good three quarters of the time. I do love him. I just miss the way he used to be , the way we used to be. I have really tried to not go on about us in this but here it is . I cant avoid it, its something that I think about many of the times when I just space out. Ya know when you just dont mean to. My mom just walked in and said that she saw Mason.. Creepy.
Enough of that silly dreamer talk.... A little less deep now . Lets move on to the here and now. For today I even feel in the middle of what I should do after this. Should I go back to grandmas. Should I stay here? I dont know anymore. Nothing really feels like home. I go here, there, and everywhere. My dogs make it feel like home tho. At least more so than without them. I dont even like to say without them. Shit I wish I could figure out a hustle for the night. Thats me thinking and typing. But this thing is about me being honest. And these days are coming to and end. For some you may think ya know 30 days or something is a long time to count down to and think about something that way in a negative light. Well hell poeple I have done this for the greater part of 5 years . Not proud of it . But it does scare the hell out of me to now know what it will be like.
Im gonna go.

A New Day!

Today is another day . The weather is nice. I figured out a hustle early in the morning. Good Day!! Grandma is having a bad day however, things are not looking so bright for her unfortunatly. I hope everything goes well for her, she need to quit procrastinating this whole cancer thing. I think tha she has known the entire time. She lies and said that it has just come back really recently but i know that is a lie. She also said that she knows all this because she went to a doctor recently too. Hmmmmm I smell something fishy... I have been living with her . I would know if she went to a doctor. She talks to me about everything she does in the day. Even the stuff that you shouldnt have to explain to anyone... .Yup that too. But to not talk about something serious like that is not very cool. How does she know that it has not spread by now. She is just banking on it being the same. She acts like she knows for sure. But nothing right now is for sure. Damnit! Well I will most likely be back again later today.... If ahyone really cares Im starting to feel like this thing is more like a diary for me. But the element of secrecy is diminshed. I got sidetracked. austa la vista :)

When It Rains, It Pours...

Another day is almost over, about half way through my day. I had district court this morning for a dring while license suspended charge, it sucks that they can habitualize me. I finally will hopefully have my act together and if I am habitualized then I will lose my license for a whopping seven years! That will make me 29... alomst thirty years old and getting my license. We got a real winner here ladies and gentlemen....

Also my grandmother has finally come out and said that she still has cancer... about a year ago the doctors wanted her to have a surgery to take out the lump but she didnt want to. She was really scared and ended up saying that it was gone to the family. No one ever really went in the office when she went to the doctor, she didnt want them to. I mean when she had chemo I would go and visit her. I dont know why she would do this. I cant wrap my head around it yet, she knows how much I need her. I know that sounds selfish but she cannot leave me yet. She is the only one. I hate this fuckin day, and my life, and I just want someone to fix me.. I am so tired of crying and always being disappointed. Maybe if I wasnt so fucking stress to her she would have taken care of it ya know. I wrote what I had to say for the day.

I am not a realy religous person but if someone ever really reads this and you are, pray for my grandma- Her name is Janet. Anything that could help.

A MID-DAY MELTDOWN

Like all families mine is disfunctional. Today I was thinking about the charges and trouble I have gotten myself into as a result of being an addict. I have recently made some horrible decisions and now I am looking at a chunk of jail time . I dont do well in jail. No one really does, but I REALLY dont do well . I am one of those crybaby people who sleeps underneath the phone so I can call home right when I wake up and the phone is turned back on. I am terrified that I wont be able to go to rehab before I do the time. I will have to go through withdrawls in jail. I will go crazy. I will want to die.
I was sitting in my little space at my grandmas inside her home.Let me try to let you in on the situation with my mothers side of the family.My uncle Pat is 42 years old. He is married and also lives at my grandmas, along with his wife who he has been married to for 22 years. He has never attempted to move out. He is the epitomy of a Mamas Boy. He has no idea what the real world is like. He bitches that he has all these bills to pay, however the "bills" that he is bitching about is nothing but an internet bill ( internet is like his only freind, total computer geek) oh ya and he has a phone bill as well. The fucked up part is that he has his own number and his own land line but he has never even turned on the ringer. I guess it makes him feel better about no one ever calling him. He just says that people do call all the time but he just doesnt bother turning on the ringer. what a joke!!! We have never been close, or even really got along for that matter. Everyone in the family has told me that he doesnt like me because before I was born he was still the baby of the family. Its like he makes it a competition for my grandmas love. Today he told me that he hopes I rot in jail, and that Im nothing but a bastard child..That my Dad didnt even love me . Low blow... and all this came out of his mouth for some reason that I dont know . I was not even talking to him. He just came out of his room and decided to pop his mouth off and give his opinion. He is nothing but a fuckin asshole. He is not just mean to me. He is mean to his wife, his mom, and his freinds if he had any. Well fuckin a' . Now that I have vented a little I guess thats all I can do . My grandma just tells me to shut up, and dont cause problems when he does shit like this . No one sticks up for me. He just treats everyone like shit and gets away with it . I dont even feel comfortable in my space with him there. .... Why wont he just move away... Wishful thinking . He will never leave that house, he pays 200 dollars a month to live there. Thats it, no utilities nothing. That wouldnt pay for a fuckin outhouse . He has a rude awakening one of these days... I hope he is the one to rot in the end.

Well I have made it to see another day... I never thought about how this may be difficult to keep posting daily as I go along considering that I dont have a computer of my own. LOL. Ya if your thinkin that if I did I would have already clucked it off then you would be right. I woke up this morning and just felt like crying. I dont know exactly why, maybe its a lot of things. I have to go to court tomorrow. Not looking forward to it. To be completely honest I dont think that I am really looking forward to anything for that matter. Getting off beans is something I guess I should look towards. But really Im just scared of not being able to run to it when something goes wrong. I love when I get so fucked up that I cant even open my eyes, and all I can do is just sit there and think of nothing at all, feel nothing at all, say nothing at all. But that has lead me to be nothing at all. While alot of the people I went to school with will be graduating from a four year college this year, I will be graduating from a rehab. I could have been where they are, I could have done great things and be ready for a great job. Instead I just keep trying to find another waitressing job. Its not a glamorous career. There is no name plaque, or an office with a view. I cannot move up the corporate ladder. I will not be like this forever. Something has got to give. Well here I am another day, I made it to a computer and let my fingers do the talking. I feel like a hypocrite saying that I am getting clean when I look over and see a piece of foil and can feel the tooter in my pocket . But without some help and detox I know that I cannot do it on my own. I will do it when it comes time . I am quitting. Just not today. I hope someone will understand my struggle at whatever place they send me to. I am so sick of being misunderstood. I want someone to listen and give me an answer. Anyone?

Today I Started to Start Over

Today is the day I started to start over. .
I never thought that signing a few papers, checking a few boxes, and then recieving an appointment card would be so hard. I live in Washington state. I am working on getting funding from DSHS so that I can go to in-patient treatment. Its a long and drawn out paper trail from one government office to another. The assessment I filled out asked a lot of questions about when I started using and how often I used . The truth is I started doing drugs at fourteen. Smoking weed, and drinking were the first things I tried out. I used to drink a lot . For being a small petite girl I made a hell of a tolerance for myself. I blacked out pretty much every weekend anyways. My life didnt change for the worse until I came across a little blue pill. Its amazing how much has been affected by something no bigger than a fingernail. A friend of mine started selling oxycontin. At first I didnt know much of anything about opiates. I could buy an eighty for my lunch money, about seven bucks. I started doing them everyday at my lunch period , then again after school. We would skip class and smoke out, snort some oxy, then head back for last period. After high school I moved to Seattle with two of my best freinds. We got a apartment close to the college me and my freind were going to. At the time when I moved I never realized that I had a problem with pills. I figured I could just leave town and leave the pills behind too. About two days went by when I moved away, then I started getting really sick. I was unable to sleep , I had hot flashes, cold sweats, and I began to become anxious and depressed. Both emotionally and physicaly I was at my wits end, and all that time I wondered if being home sick could be this bad. I was naive and already in above my head at that time. I started making the three hour drive home every other day to score, and thats when someone told me that without oxy people who are addicted will have withdrawls. Fuckin A', that would have been nice to know before hand. But now that I look back I dont know if it would have made a difference. Long story short I came home. My grandma was diagnosed with cancer, and my friends and I had a falling out like most freinds do when you live together. Three girls trying to experience a new way of life, just trying to live and find thier way, all going through opiate withdrawls unbeknownest to them.
Now that I look back on coming home I think of it as the worst and best choice I made. I knew that I needed to be here for my grandma. She was jus like a Mother to me. She was also a dad, a freind, and all of the above! But on the other hand coming home made me feel like a loser, and a failure. Which also lead to me hitting it hard with drugs. From the time I came home until now I have lost everything over a five year battle . A mercedes, my house, one of my best friends, my first love, anything of value that i could pawn or trade for drugs, and my familys trust. Currently I have been living out of boxes for two years since I lost my house. I bounce from place to place. It seems like just when I got unpacked and comfortable, that it would be time to leave again and start all over. I am one of those people who needs to have thier own little place for my things, and just to chill. My own space has been a house that I had, my room at my moms ( that is when she doesnt have some weirdo staying in it.) . Now I am staying at my grandmas house. She has a camper that she lets me do what I want with. I have been staying in it off and on these two years. Right now all I have to call my space is that camper. My clothes dont fit in it so they have stayed in boxes that I pick through on the days that I have something and I dont feel like walking death, the days I actually get ready anymore. I havc slowly but surely began to care about and need less and less material things . Now it seems like as long as I have some foil, a straw, a lighter, some oxy, and a cigarette that I got it made. Oh and I cant forget about my babies. I have two dogs that have stuck with me, and even on my worst days I always make sure they have what they need, and then some. They are my probably my only real freinds.
Even if just one person reads my journey to getting clean, even if no one reads it but me and I can see how far I came along after all of this. Then it was worth it .
Until later on ...... Im off to take the dogs for a walk and think about whats in my future now that I sealed the deal today and signed my life as I know it away..... rehab wont be that bad right?? They will help me not to be so sick I hope.


Love Heather